Blingee Jesus

Thy Blingee is Amazeballs

2011-08-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Acts 10:31
And said, Cornelius, thy prayer is heard, thy Blingee is amazeballs, and thine alms are had in remembrance in the sight of God.

Via Lamebook:

2011-03-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

See the original post here.

Is It Revelation, or Is It a Seizure?

2010-11-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

Oh My Fucking God, Fuck Yes:

2010-10-15T20:07:00.001-07:00

I Really Wish I Came Up with This

2010-06-15T21:31:00.001-07:00

Christ, that's some badassery

2010-04-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Miss Blingee Jesus!

2010-02-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

Blingee Jesus would like to congratulate our mascot and favorite Real American Lady, Carrie Prejean, on her recent engagement! Carrie is going to marry a quarterback, driving her celestial vehicle on the glitter-encrusted road to our idol, Elisabeth Hasselbeck's, home town: Christpublican Village.

Let's help Carrie out with her wedding plans! This lovely dress is Pure Carrie:

We LOVE the huge tiara and daring decolletage of this ensemble! We hope Carrie has butterflies at her wedding, too!

Our winner today is this beautiful gown that shows off Carrie for the Princess she is, while highlighting her most important asset: Her womb!

We can't wait for Carrie and hubs to move into their sparkling mansion on White Street and start makin' babies! Fingers crossed they're a Quiverfull family!

Found on Blingee: We Love You, America

2010-02-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

America has really come through for Blingee Jesus! Check out what our compatriots in Christ have been working on:

We're calling this one "Rolling With The J-Homies." (RIP Brittany!)

If we get Left Behind, we're going to be first in line for the Arm Wrestle Smackdown between Jesus and the Devil! Awesome!

Finally, get ready for Valentine's Day! We're spending it with our one true love: Jesus!

)

Happy New Year, America!

2009-12-31T09:27:00.001-08:00

There's no holiday quite so American as New Year's Eve. We all go to New York City or New York, New York the casino to watch balls drop and vomit sweet, sweet Freedompagne. Of course, Christians view the New Year as a time to make resolutions, reflect, and judge others.

Happy New Year from your friends at Blingee Jesus! Here's to a Very Blingee 2010!

FOUND: "Jesus Love's You Elvis"

2009-12-30T22:46:00.000-08:00

James 1:11, "For the sun is no sooner risen with a burning heat, but it withereth the grass, and the flower thereof falleth, and the grace of the fashion of it perisheth: so also shall the Bloated, Over-Hyped Rock Star fade away in his ways."

We Three Kings and Queens

2009-12-29T15:11:00.001-08:00

Gold, frankincense and myrrh? BORING. Here's a gift to our Savior, who is the greatest gift who's ever been giv'n:

Feliz Navidad!

2009-12-22T12:24:00.001-08:00

We at Blingee Jesus would like to wish a very Feliz Navidad to our neighbors to the South. (But please stay there and let Real Americans have jobs!) These Blingees we found really give meaning to this season of love!

The True Nativity, AD 0000

2009-12-20T20:47:00.000-08:00

I'm a little embarrassed to say this in such a sacred sphere, but when I came upon this image of the nativity, my first thought was, "Who was the Godless Heathen Sodomite who deemed this an appropriate depiction of the birth of our Lord and Savior, yea, even the Alpha and Omega?!" After I got the stink eye from a fellow patron at our local Barnes and Noble Fake Starbucks Cafe, I decided to rectify what went so tragically wrong:

Luke 2:7, And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because they did not have enough Starwoods Reward Points to stay at the Comfort Inn and Suites.

Happy Ho-lidays

2009-12-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

Today's theme was suggested by a dear friend of Blingee Jesus. We're not the only ones excited for Christmas!

First, the professional ho celebrates the season and gives us a template for the 2k9 Ho-lidays:

The amateur attempts the ho-lidays look:

Next, the Myspace hos make an effort:

And finally, we are scarred for life:

Oh my goodness! We need a palate cleanser.

Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season!

Jesus at the Tea Party

2009-12-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

It's a little-known and totally true fact that the Virgin Mary is a total tea snob. Jesus has been attending tea parties his whole life! Here's a sweet picture of Mary and Baby Jesus enjoying some tea with Mary's BFFs:

Happy tea partying!

FOUND: Patriotic to the Max!

2009-12-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

Fellow soldiers in the fight for a 100% Christian America are busy at work on Blingee.com!

Santa's getting ready for a Patriotic CHRISTmas:

This CHRISTmas is going to be awesome!

The caption for this beautiful Blingee appears below, unedited.

GOD BLESS OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN. IN THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON WATCH OVER THEM AND BRING THEM SAFELY HOME TO ALL OF US. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT COUNTRY YOU ARE FROM, WE PRAY THAT ALL SERVICEMEN COME HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES THIS YEAR. BLESS THEM LORD. T.

Finally, this Blingee is so Blingee Jesus that we had to make sure we didn't make it ourselves:

Do I smell a guest blogger among us?

A Norman Rocktacular Thanksgiving Christganza

2009-11-25T08:45:00.000-08:00

To express my deep honor and respect for Jesus' Thanksgiving (fact: Jews call their version of Thanksgiving "Passover"), I almost considered creating a Charlie Brown-themed Blingee Offering, but declined to do so after I realized that those demon children with melon-shaped heads and inability to discern the voices of authority should have no place in the box of pixels above.

Instead, please enjoy this Norman Rocktacular Thanksgiving Christganza and the following, unadultred Bible verse:

1st Chronicles, 16:34

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good; for his blingee endureth for ever."

Stephenie Meyer Loves Jesus, Too!

2009-11-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

My favorite images for Blingee Jesus are the images that don't need to be Blingeed at all, like this one:

How awesome is Jesus?

But of course I Blingeed the shit out of it anyway, in honor of the greatest movie of all time, NEW MOON!

You're welcome.

Patriotic Thursdays are Back!

2009-11-19T20:06:00.001-08:00

Sorry for the brief absence, Blingee Jesus Faithful. We at Blingee Jesus were so busy attending tea parties and getting tea bagged, we shirked our Patriotic Thursday duties. But worry no longer! We're back and in full effect!

America! Fuck yeah!

FOUND: Holiday Blingee Spirit

2009-11-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

We at Blingee Jesus are getting pumped for the holidays! Our friends on the internet are, too!

The turkey at this house is going to be extra juicy:

Yum!

And who doesn't love Christmas?

We can't wait to see what Santa puts in our Blingee stockings this year!

What's Next, America?

2009-11-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

Christian license plates banned by liberal activist judges?

Not on our watch. Blingee Jesus is moving to Florida!

Jesus Overload

2009-11-11T10:32:00.000-08:00

Jesus is always hanging out with lambs. I bet he loves Cute Overload.

America...FUCK YEAH!

2009-10-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

Mormons at the Beach

2009-09-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the summer, and our favorite spiritual leaders got on the direct line to Jesus and asked him for one last beautiful day at the beach.

Of course Jesus said yes! Hooray!

FOUND: Michael Jackson Meets Jesus

2009-09-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

I found this today and almost cried. I tried to add commentary but how do you describe something so beautiful in mere *words*? It's impossible, like trying to describe color to a blind person. Except for pink... you can just feed the blind person some Pepto Bismol. If pink had a taste, it would be Pepto.

Anyway, amen and shit.

Mormon Jesus Be Big Pimpin'

2009-07-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Book of Mark, Chapter 10, Verses 14-16

14. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the bitches n' hoes to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

15. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little bitch, she shall not enter therein.

16. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and bitch-slapped them.

Found!

2009-07-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Friends, our message is spreading across the land! Look at these amazing Jesus Blingees made by fellow soldiers in God's Army!

Best friends with Jesus!

Jesus surrounded by riches!

Jesus crying in the sky. Don't be sad, Jesus!

We love you, Jesus!

Lamb or Lion of God?

2009-07-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

Friends of Blingee Jesus,

Have you ever noticed that sometimes Jesus looks like a lion?

We have.

We've also noticed that lambs are cute and tender, while lions are ferocious and intense. We prefer lions! They're so much like Jesus: Noble, righteous, African. So we at Blingee Jesus have decided that Jesus is no longer the Lamb of God; he's the Lion of God, and we need his ferocity now more than ever. You should now sing Agnus Dei as follows:

Lion of God,
You kill and maim the sins of the world,
Have mercy on us.

Lion of God,
You rip apart the sins of the world
With your teeth.

Yeah!

Patriotic Thursdays: The Second Amendment

2009-06-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

Jesus and America go together like the suburbs and Applebee's. And what's a night at Applebee's without your God-given right to carry a concealed weapon?

Let's take a moment to reflect on these sacred words written by our God-fearing, gun-loving Founding Fathers: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Jesus and the Butterfly

2009-06-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

Jesus and Mariah Carey have a lot in common. They both love butterflies! And they both love glitter!

From The Parable of the Butterfly:

On Easter morning the disciples saw Jesus' graveclothes lying on the cold slab still wrapped round and round the corpse. Only the corpse was gone, much like an empty chrysalis deserted by a butterfly who has left to soar free. "He is risen as He said," an angel told the incredulous disciples. Later that day he appeared to the disciples, and then, over the course of the next few weeks, to as many as five hundred people at one time. Even "Doubting Thomas" didn't doubt for long that Jesus was really risen from the dead.

Praise the Lord! We are truly blessed to have Jesus and Mariah Carey in our lives.

Our Leaders (in Christ)

2009-06-02T21:36:00.000-07:00

Of course this is what Doc Brown would do with his time-traveling DeLorean, throw every halfway notable Republican leader that history has conveniently rewritten to be praiseworthy into a room and let them play cards.

Patriotic Thursdays: The Eagle Has Landed

2009-05-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

We at Blingee Jesus love America with the best kind of love... sexual love.

If a sexy older lady is a cougar, than a sexy older man is an eagle. Psst, Senator McCain: We'd love to be invited into your aerie.

Nobama's Mama Salvaged From Cesspool of Sin

2009-05-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

A stalwart member of the One True Church, meaning the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, took it upon herself (and you can tell it was a lady because only ladies with lady parts can administer temple ordinances on behalf of dead ladies) to instantly greet NOBAMA's mama in the afterlife with her posthumous baptism and endowment. Nobody's quite sure why she got hers so quickly whilst other ancestors (read: mine) had to wait centuries for theirs…but sources indicate that she got priority because she was so "White and Delightsome" (source: Book of Mormon, pre 1979).

Baptism's fairly straightforward: dunk, wipe chlorine from eyes, and repeat 20-30 times until you run out of ancestor names that you previously dug up from some backwater City Hall in Polk County, Iowa. Endowments, though, is where things get really juicy (and fun!), especially if your idea of fun is "sitting with dozens of senior citizens while being lectured to by a cranky old geezer with prostate issues."

Here's a sampling of a couple of fun tidbits NOBAMA's mother was present for (in spirit). To assist you in setting the scene, just imagine her physical proxy (read: blonde ditz from BYU) dressed in a white gown, white veil, and a *smashing* green leafy apron:

"I, [NOBAMA's mama], covenant that I will never reveal the second token of the Aaronic priesthood, with its accompanying name, sign, and penalty. Rather than do so, I would suffer my life to be taken."

And who can forget this morsel thrown in halfway through the 90-minute session?

"All arise… Each of you bring your right arm to the square: You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the law of consecration as contained in this, the book of Doctrine and Covenants [temple attendant displays the book], in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion…
Each of you bow your head and say, "Yes." ...That will do."

Fun, huh! Want a Book of Mormon? Good... now bow your head and say "yes."

Jesus Saves You From Yourself

2009-05-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

A dear friend and Brother in Christ of Blingee Jesus sent this image today to be Blingeed with the love of Our Father.

If you need help with an addiction, we recommend the God, Help Me Stop! series.

Jesus is Everywhere

2009-05-02T17:49:00.000-07:00

Do you think Jesus had a cat?

I think so, because this kitty has Jesus! Is it wrong to be jealous of a cat so blessed by Our Lord? I wish, just a little, that Jesus would appear in my fur.

"Apocalypse...Fuck Yeah!"

2009-04-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

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Revelation 6:5 - “And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand."

Revelation 6:6 - "And when he opened the fourth Seal, I heard the fourth beast say, HOLY SHIT, FUCKIN' HELICOPTERS MAN. I mean seriously. You've believed all the other made-up shit so far in this compilation of garbled fables concocted by tribesmen who got bored of masturbating in the middle of the wilderness. So why not helicopters?"

So saieth the Lord.

FOUND: Patriotic Thursdays

2009-04-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

This might be the most patriotic Blingee ever made. But what is that gibberish in the middle? Perhaps this was written by a typically illiterate graduate of America's public schools, which have forsaken Jesus and Godliness for fornication and free abortions. Too long we have suffered under this Godless leadership! Let us take back our schools with eagles, flag-colored roses, and free guns.

SALUTE TO: Miss California

2009-04-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Glitter Graphics

BlingeeJesus salutes Miss California, Warrior in Christ, on standing up for "Opposite Marriage." This beauty queen gracefully sashayed out of her comfort zone of her closed-minded Republican clan straight into a fiery, confrontational pit of Conservatives Who Think Exactly Like Her Except For That Fag Judge And The Queen Who Does Her Hair Backstage to boldly declare to the viewing public that "…we live in a land where we can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage" (we don't) and that...oh by the way...she's exactly 100% against U.S. American gays enjoying basic civil rights that even her toothless uncle and his meth-addled girlfriend can enjoy at a drive-thru chapel in Primm, Nevada.

We salute your valor, Miss C, and the fact that you've jumped on the bandwagon of discriminating against those pesky gaytrons and lezbots, because discriminating against colored people is soooooooo twentieth century.

Ooh Heaven is a Place on Earth

2009-04-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

At the end of the world, the earth together with the celestial bodies will be transformed into a part of the dwelling-place of the blessed (Revelation 21).

Homostorm (Lock Up Your Daughters)

2009-04-17T15:22:00.001-07:00

There's a storm brewing... a Homostorm.

Please help NOM 2M4M stop the Homostorm today... before it's too late.

Baby Jesus

2009-04-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

From The Role of Baby Jesus in the Holy Trinity:

"The Baby Jesus transmogrifies the unfathomable vastness of Agape into something a Human can hold in his or her arms and care for. He is, if you will, a friendly user interface to the Holy Ghost. We see then that God had a Purpose for manifesting Himself on Earth natally instead of simply appearing in a fully adult form: The very existence of the Baby Jesus Himself is an act of Love and Caring, for by our being able to love and care for the Baby Jesus, we are able to safely share in God's Love and Care, thus completing the circle."

FOUND: Brotherly Love

2009-04-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Myspace Glitter Graphics

Every once in awhile, we come across a blingee witness to our Lord and Savior, yea even the Alpha and Omega, that somehow manages to trump even our own dedication to Christ the Lord. So that you may differentiate, we mark these special cases as "FOUND."

Why are we posting this? Well this holy dedication, created one of our Lord's Annointed, encourages us to share our spiritual milk. I believe it was destined that I should find this exactly the morning after my gay boyfriend and I shared each other's spiritual milk.

Patriotic Thursdays

2009-04-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

Despite what our secret Muslin president says, America is a Christian nation. Each week we at Blingee Jesus will celebrate America.

The tears of our great nation will only make us stronger, watering a garden of true patriotism and love.

Book of More-men

2009-04-15T22:18:00.001-07:00

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This is a riveting scene from the Third book of Nephi in the Book of Mormon, when Jesus Christ visited the Americas. Of course, actual natives of this region believed that it was the God Quetzecoatal, but that's according to brown people, and of course all of us Conservatives know that they just need to believe in Jesus and Manifest Destiny.

Ladies Love Black Jesus

2009-04-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Especially the tiny pin-up ladies. Hot damn!

The Second Coming

2009-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

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Jesucristo and his posse heard that Vermont and Iowa now allow freewheelin' bumluvin' and they're a little p-i-s-s-e-d.

Lamb of God

2009-04-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

You take away the sins of the world.