Happy New Year, America!

There's no holiday quite so American as New Year's Eve. We all go to New York City or New York, New York the casino to watch balls drop and vomit sweet, sweet Freedompagne. Of course, Christians view the New Year as a time to make resolutions, reflect, and judge others.



Happy New Year from your friends at Blingee Jesus! Here's to a Very Blingee 2010!

FOUND: "Jesus Love's You Elvis"

James 1:11, "For the sun is no sooner risen with a burning heat, but it withereth the grass, and the flower thereof falleth, and the grace of the fashion of it perisheth: so also shall the Bloated, Over-Hyped Rock Star fade away in his ways."

We Three Kings and Queens

Gold, frankincense and myrrh? BORING. Here's a gift to our Savior, who is the greatest gift who's ever been giv'n:

Feliz Navidad!

We at Blingee Jesus would like to wish a very Feliz Navidad to our neighbors to the South. (But please stay there and let Real Americans have jobs!) These Blingees we found really give meaning to this season of love!

The True Nativity, AD 0000

I'm a little embarrassed to say this in such a sacred sphere, but when I came upon this image of the nativity, my first thought was, "Who was the Godless Heathen Sodomite who deemed this an appropriate depiction of the birth of our Lord and Savior, yea, even the Alpha and Omega?!" After I got the stink eye from a fellow patron at our local Barnes and Noble Fake Starbucks Cafe, I decided to rectify what went so tragically wrong:




Luke 2:7, And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because they did not have enough Starwoods Reward Points to stay at the Comfort Inn and Suites.

Happy Ho-lidays

Today's theme was suggested by a dear friend of Blingee Jesus. We're not the only ones excited for Christmas!

First, the professional ho celebrates the season and gives us a template for the 2k9 Ho-lidays:



The amateur attempts the ho-lidays look:



Next, the Myspace hos make an effort:





And finally, we are scarred for life:





Oh my goodness! We need a palate cleanser.



Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season!

Jesus at the Tea Party

It's a little-known and totally true fact that the Virgin Mary is a total tea snob. Jesus has been attending tea parties his whole life! Here's a sweet picture of Mary and Baby Jesus enjoying some tea with Mary's BFFs:



Happy tea partying!

FOUND: Patriotic to the Max!

Fellow soldiers in the fight for a 100% Christian America are busy at work on Blingee.com!

Santa's getting ready for a Patriotic CHRISTmas:




This CHRISTmas is going to be awesome!



The caption for this beautiful Blingee appears below, unedited.

GOD BLESS OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN. IN THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON WATCH OVER THEM AND BRING THEM SAFELY HOME TO ALL OF US. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT COUNTRY YOU ARE FROM, WE PRAY THAT ALL SERVICEMEN COME HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES THIS YEAR. BLESS THEM LORD. T.

Finally, this Blingee is so Blingee Jesus that we had to make sure we didn't make it ourselves:



Do I smell a guest blogger among us?

A Norman Rocktacular Thanksgiving Christganza

To express my deep honor and respect for Jesus' Thanksgiving (fact: Jews call their version of Thanksgiving "Passover"), I almost considered creating a Charlie Brown-themed Blingee Offering, but declined to do so after I realized that those demon children with melon-shaped heads and inability to discern the voices of authority should have no place in the box of pixels above.

Instead, please enjoy this Norman Rocktacular Thanksgiving Christganza and the following, unadultred Bible verse:

1st Chronicles, 16:34

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good; for his blingee endureth for ever."

Stephenie Meyer Loves Jesus, Too!

My favorite images for Blingee Jesus are the images that don't need to be Blingeed at all, like this one:



How awesome is Jesus?

But of course I Blingeed the shit out of it anyway, in honor of the greatest movie of all time, NEW MOON!



You're welcome.

Patriotic Thursdays are Back!

Sorry for the brief absence, Blingee Jesus Faithful. We at Blingee Jesus were so busy attending tea parties and getting tea bagged, we shirked our Patriotic Thursday duties. But worry no longer! We're back and in full effect!



America! Fuck yeah!

FOUND: Holiday Blingee Spirit

We at Blingee Jesus are getting pumped for the holidays! Our friends on the internet are, too!

The turkey at this house is going to be extra juicy:



Yum!

And who doesn't love Christmas?



We can't wait to see what Santa puts in our Blingee stockings this year!

What's Next, America?

Christian license plates banned by liberal activist judges?



Not on our watch. Blingee Jesus is moving to Florida!

Jesus Overload

Jesus is always hanging out with lambs. I bet he loves Cute Overload.

America...FUCK YEAH!

Mormons at the Beach

It's the end of the summer, and our favorite spiritual leaders got on the direct line to Jesus and asked him for one last beautiful day at the beach.



Of course Jesus said yes! Hooray!

FOUND: Michael Jackson Meets Jesus

I found this today and almost cried. I tried to add commentary but how do you describe something so beautiful in mere *words*? It's impossible, like trying to describe color to a blind person. Except for pink... you can just feed the blind person some Pepto Bismol. If pink had a taste, it would be Pepto.

Anyway, amen and shit.

Mormon Jesus Be Big Pimpin'

Book of Mark, Chapter 10, Verses 14-16

14. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the bitches n' hoes to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

15. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little bitch, she shall not enter therein.

16. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and bitch-slapped them.

Found!

Friends, our message is spreading across the land! Look at these amazing Jesus Blingees made by fellow soldiers in God's Army!



Best friends with Jesus!



Jesus surrounded by riches!



Jesus crying in the sky. Don't be sad, Jesus!



We love you, Jesus!

Lamb or Lion of God?

Friends of Blingee Jesus,

Have you ever noticed that sometimes Jesus looks like a lion?



We have.

We've also noticed that lambs are cute and tender, while lions are ferocious and intense. We prefer lions! They're so much like Jesus: Noble, righteous, African. So we at Blingee Jesus have decided that Jesus is no longer the Lamb of God; he's the Lion of God, and we need his ferocity now more than ever. You should now sing Agnus Dei as follows:

Lion of God,
You kill and maim the sins of the world,
Have mercy on us.

Lion of God,
You rip apart the sins of the world
With your teeth.

Yeah!

Patriotic Thursdays: The Second Amendment

Jesus and America go together like the suburbs and Applebee's. And what's a night at Applebee's without your God-given right to carry a concealed weapon?



Let's take a moment to reflect on these sacred words written by our God-fearing, gun-loving Founding Fathers: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Jesus and the Butterfly

Jesus and Mariah Carey have a lot in common. They both love butterflies! And they both love glitter!



From The Parable of the Butterfly:

On Easter morning the disciples saw Jesus' graveclothes lying on the cold slab still wrapped round and round the corpse. Only the corpse was gone, much like an empty chrysalis deserted by a butterfly who has left to soar free. "He is risen as He said," an angel told the incredulous disciples. Later that day he appeared to the disciples, and then, over the course of the next few weeks, to as many as five hundred people at one time. Even "Doubting Thomas" didn't doubt for long that Jesus was really risen from the dead.

Praise the Lord! We are truly blessed to have Jesus and Mariah Carey in our lives.

Our Leaders (in Christ)

Of course this is what Doc Brown would do with his time-traveling DeLorean, throw every halfway notable Republican leader that history has conveniently rewritten to be praiseworthy into a room and let them play cards.

Patriotic Thursdays: The Eagle Has Landed

We at Blingee Jesus love America with the best kind of love... sexual love.



If a sexy older lady is a cougar, than a sexy older man is an eagle. Psst, Senator McCain: We'd love to be invited into your aerie.

Nobama's Mama Salvaged From Cesspool of Sin

A stalwart member of the One True Church, meaning the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, took it upon herself (and you can tell it was a lady because only ladies with lady parts can administer temple ordinances on behalf of dead ladies) to instantly greet NOBAMA's mama in the afterlife with her posthumous baptism and endowment. Nobody's quite sure why she got hers so quickly whilst other ancestors (read: mine) had to wait centuries for theirs…but sources indicate that she got priority because she was so "White and Delightsome" (source: Book of Mormon, pre 1979).

Baptism's fairly straightforward: dunk, wipe chlorine from eyes, and repeat 20-30 times until you run out of ancestor names that you previously dug up from some backwater City Hall in Polk County, Iowa. Endowments, though, is where things get really juicy (and fun!), especially if your idea of fun is "sitting with dozens of senior citizens while being lectured to by a cranky old geezer with prostate issues."

Here's a sampling of a couple of fun tidbits NOBAMA's mother was present for (in spirit). To assist you in setting the scene, just imagine her physical proxy (read: blonde ditz from BYU) dressed in a white gown, white veil, and a *smashing* green leafy apron:

"I, [NOBAMA's mama], covenant that I will never reveal the second token of the Aaronic priesthood, with its accompanying name, sign, and penalty. Rather than do so, I would suffer my life to be taken."

And who can forget this morsel thrown in halfway through the 90-minute session?

"All arise… Each of you bring your right arm to the square: You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the law of consecration as contained in this, the book of Doctrine and Covenants [temple attendant displays the book], in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion…

Each of you bow your head and say, "Yes." ...That will do."

Fun, huh! Want a Book of Mormon? Good... now bow your head and say "yes."