FOUND: Michael Jackson Meets Jesus

I found this today and almost cried. I tried to add commentary but how do you describe something so beautiful in mere *words*? It's impossible, like trying to describe color to a blind person. Except for pink... you can just feed the blind person some Pepto Bismol. If pink had a taste, it would be Pepto.

Anyway, amen and shit.

Mormon Jesus Be Big Pimpin'

Book of Mark, Chapter 10, Verses 14-16

14. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the bitches n' hoes to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

15. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little bitch, she shall not enter therein.

16. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and bitch-slapped them.

Found!

Friends, our message is spreading across the land! Look at these amazing Jesus Blingees made by fellow soldiers in God's Army!



Best friends with Jesus!



Jesus surrounded by riches!



Jesus crying in the sky. Don't be sad, Jesus!



We love you, Jesus!

Lamb or Lion of God?

Friends of Blingee Jesus,

Have you ever noticed that sometimes Jesus looks like a lion?



We have.

We've also noticed that lambs are cute and tender, while lions are ferocious and intense. We prefer lions! They're so much like Jesus: Noble, righteous, African. So we at Blingee Jesus have decided that Jesus is no longer the Lamb of God; he's the Lion of God, and we need his ferocity now more than ever. You should now sing Agnus Dei as follows:

Lion of God,
You kill and maim the sins of the world,
Have mercy on us.

Lion of God,
You rip apart the sins of the world
With your teeth.

Yeah!

Patriotic Thursdays: The Second Amendment

Jesus and America go together like the suburbs and Applebee's. And what's a night at Applebee's without your God-given right to carry a concealed weapon?



Let's take a moment to reflect on these sacred words written by our God-fearing, gun-loving Founding Fathers: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Jesus and the Butterfly

Jesus and Mariah Carey have a lot in common. They both love butterflies! And they both love glitter!



From The Parable of the Butterfly:

On Easter morning the disciples saw Jesus' graveclothes lying on the cold slab still wrapped round and round the corpse. Only the corpse was gone, much like an empty chrysalis deserted by a butterfly who has left to soar free. "He is risen as He said," an angel told the incredulous disciples. Later that day he appeared to the disciples, and then, over the course of the next few weeks, to as many as five hundred people at one time. Even "Doubting Thomas" didn't doubt for long that Jesus was really risen from the dead.

Praise the Lord! We are truly blessed to have Jesus and Mariah Carey in our lives.

Our Leaders (in Christ)

Of course this is what Doc Brown would do with his time-traveling DeLorean, throw every halfway notable Republican leader that history has conveniently rewritten to be praiseworthy into a room and let them play cards.