Monday, April 27, 2009

"Apocalypse...Fuck Yeah!"

Four Horsemen
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Revelation 6:5 - “And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand."

Revelation 6:6 - "And when he opened the fourth Seal, I heard the fourth beast say, HOLY SHIT, FUCKIN' HELICOPTERS MAN.  I mean seriously.  You've believed all the other made-up shit so far in this compilation of garbled fables concocted by tribesmen who got bored of masturbating in the middle of the wilderness.  So why not helicopters?"

So saieth the Lord.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

FOUND: Patriotic Thursdays

This might be the most patriotic Blingee ever made. But what is that gibberish in the middle? Perhaps this was written by a typically illiterate graduate of America's public schools, which have forsaken Jesus and Godliness for fornication and free abortions. Too long we have suffered under this Godless leadership! Let us take back our schools with eagles, flag-colored roses, and free guns.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

SALUTE TO: Miss California

Warrior in Christ
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BlingeeJesus salutes Miss California, Warrior in Christ, on standing up for "Opposite Marriage." This beauty queen gracefully sashayed out of her comfort zone of her closed-minded Republican clan straight into a fiery, confrontational pit of Conservatives Who Think Exactly Like Her Except For That Fag Judge And The Queen Who Does Her Hair Backstage to boldly declare to the viewing public that "…we live in a land where we can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage" (we don't) and that...oh by the way...she's exactly 100% against U.S. American gays enjoying basic civil rights that even her toothless uncle and his meth-addled girlfriend can enjoy at a drive-thru chapel in Primm, Nevada.

We salute your valor, Miss C, and the fact that you've jumped on the bandwagon of discriminating against those pesky gaytrons and lezbots, because discriminating against colored people is soooooooo twentieth century.

Ooh Heaven is a Place on Earth

At the end of the world, the earth together with the celestial bodies will be transformed into a part of the dwelling-place of the blessed (Revelation 21).

Friday, April 17, 2009

Homostorm (Lock Up Your Daughters)

There's a storm brewing... a Homostorm.

Please help NOM 2M4M stop the Homostorm today... before it's too late.

Baby Jesus

From The Role of Baby Jesus in the Holy Trinity:

"The Baby Jesus transmogrifies the unfathomable vastness of Agape into something a Human can hold in his or her arms and care for. He is, if you will, a friendly user interface to the Holy Ghost. We see then that God had a Purpose for manifesting Himself on Earth natally instead of simply appearing in a fully adult form: The very existence of the Baby Jesus Himself is an act of Love and Caring, for by our being able to love and care for the Baby Jesus, we are able to safely share in God's Love and Care, thus completing the circle."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

FOUND: Brotherly Love

Obedience to God
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Every once in awhile, we come across a blingee witness to our Lord and Savior, yea even the Alpha and Omega, that somehow manages to trump even our own dedication to Christ the Lord. So that you may differentiate, we mark these special cases as "FOUND."

Why are we posting this? Well this holy dedication, created one of our Lord's Annointed, encourages us to share our spiritual milk. I believe it was destined that I should find this exactly the morning after my gay boyfriend and I shared each other's spiritual milk.

Patriotic Thursdays

Despite what our secret Muslin president says, America is a Christian nation. Each week we at Blingee Jesus will celebrate America.

The tears of our great nation will only make us stronger, watering a garden of true patriotism and love.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Book of More-men

Book of Mormon
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This is a riveting scene from the Third book of Nephi in the Book of Mormon, when Jesus Christ visited the Americas.  Of course, actual natives of this region believed that it was the God Quetzecoatal, but that's according to brown people, and of course all of us Conservatives know that they just need to believe in Jesus and Manifest Destiny.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Ladies Love Black Jesus

Especially the tiny pin-up ladies. Hot damn!

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Second Coming

Second Coming
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Jesucristo and his posse heard that Vermont and Iowa now allow freewheelin' bumluvin' and they're a little p-i-s-s-e-d.  

Lamb of God

You take away the sins of the world.