Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy New Year from your friends at Blingee Jesus! Here's to a Very Blingee 2010!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Luke 2:7, And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because they did not have enough Starwoods Reward Points to stay at the Comfort Inn and Suites.
Friday, December 18, 2009
First, the professional ho celebrates the season and gives us a template for the 2k9 Ho-lidays:
The amateur attempts the ho-lidays look:
Next, the Myspace hos make an effort:
And finally, we are scarred for life:
Oh my goodness! We need a palate cleanser.
Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Santa's getting ready for a Patriotic CHRISTmas:
This CHRISTmas is going to be awesome!
The caption for this beautiful Blingee appears below, unedited.
GOD BLESS OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN. IN THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON WATCH OVER THEM AND BRING THEM SAFELY HOME TO ALL OF US. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT COUNTRY YOU ARE FROM, WE PRAY THAT ALL SERVICEMEN COME HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES THIS YEAR. BLESS THEM LORD. T.
Finally, this Blingee is so Blingee Jesus that we had to make sure we didn't make it ourselves:
Do I smell a guest blogger among us?
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
To express my deep honor and respect for Jesus' Thanksgiving (fact: Jews call their version of Thanksgiving "Passover"), I almost considered creating a Charlie Brown-themed Blingee Offering, but declined to do so after I realized that those demon children with melon-shaped heads and inability to discern the voices of authority should have no place in the box of pixels above.
Instead, please enjoy this Norman Rocktacular Thanksgiving Christganza and the following, unadultred Bible verse:
1st Chronicles, 16:34
"O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good; for his blingee endureth for ever."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
How awesome is Jesus?
But of course I Blingeed the shit out of it anyway, in honor of the greatest movie of all time, NEW MOON!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
America! Fuck yeah!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The turkey at this house is going to be extra juicy:
And who doesn't love Christmas?
We can't wait to see what Santa puts in our Blingee stockings this year!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I found this today and almost cried. I tried to add commentary but how do you describe something so beautiful in mere *words*? It's impossible, like trying to describe color to a blind person. Except for pink... you can just feed the blind person some Pepto Bismol. If pink had a taste, it would be Pepto.
Anyway, amen and shit.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Book of Mark, Chapter 10, Verses 14-16
14. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the bitches n' hoes to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.
15. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little bitch, she shall not enter therein.
16. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and bitch-slapped them.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Have you ever noticed that sometimes Jesus looks like a lion?
We've also noticed that lambs are cute and tender, while lions are ferocious and intense. We prefer lions! They're so much like Jesus: Noble, righteous, African. So we at Blingee Jesus have decided that Jesus is no longer the Lamb of God; he's the Lion of God, and we need his ferocity now more than ever. You should now sing Agnus Dei as follows:
Lion of God,
You kill and maim the sins of the world,
Have mercy on us.
Lion of God,
You rip apart the sins of the world
With your teeth.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Let's take a moment to reflect on these sacred words written by our God-fearing, gun-loving Founding Fathers: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Jesus and Mariah Carey have a lot in common. They both love butterflies! And they both love glitter!
From The Parable of the Butterfly:
On Easter morning the disciples saw Jesus' graveclothes lying on the cold slab still wrapped round and round the corpse. Only the corpse was gone, much like an empty chrysalis deserted by a butterfly who has left to soar free. "He is risen as He said," an angel told the incredulous disciples. Later that day he appeared to the disciples, and then, over the course of the next few weeks, to as many as five hundred people at one time. Even "Doubting Thomas" didn't doubt for long that Jesus was really risen from the dead.
Praise the Lord! We are truly blessed to have Jesus and Mariah Carey in our lives.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A stalwart member of the One True Church, meaning the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, took it upon herself (and you can tell it was a lady because only ladies with lady parts can administer temple ordinances on behalf of dead ladies) to instantly greet NOBAMA's mama in the afterlife with her posthumous baptism and endowment. Nobody's quite sure why she got hers so quickly whilst other ancestors (read: mine) had to wait centuries for theirs…but sources indicate that she got priority because she was so "White and Delightsome" (source: Book of Mormon, pre 1979).
Baptism's fairly straightforward: dunk, wipe chlorine from eyes, and repeat 20-30 times until you run out of ancestor names that you previously dug up from some backwater City Hall in Polk County, Iowa. Endowments, though, is where things get really juicy (and fun!), especially if your idea of fun is "sitting with dozens of senior citizens while being lectured to by a cranky old geezer with prostate issues."
Here's a sampling of a couple of fun tidbits NOBAMA's mother was present for (in spirit). To assist you in setting the scene, just imagine her physical proxy (read: blonde ditz from BYU) dressed in a white gown, white veil, and a *smashing* green leafy apron:
"I, [NOBAMA's mama], covenant that I will never reveal the second token of the Aaronic priesthood, with its accompanying name, sign, and penalty. Rather than do so, I would suffer my life to be taken."
And who can forget this morsel thrown in halfway through the 90-minute session?
"All arise… Each of you bring your right arm to the square: You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the law of consecration as contained in this, the book of Doctrine and Covenants [temple attendant displays the book], in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion…
Each of you bow your head and say, "Yes." ...That will do."
Fun, huh! Want a Book of Mormon? Good... now bow your head and say "yes."