Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Nobama's Mama Salvaged From Cesspool of Sin

NObama's Mama

A stalwart member of the One True Church, meaning the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, took it upon herself (and you can tell it was a lady because only ladies with lady parts can administer temple ordinances on behalf of dead ladies) to instantly greet NOBAMA's mama in the afterlife with her posthumous baptism and endowment. Nobody's quite sure why she got hers so quickly whilst other ancestors (read: mine) had to wait centuries for theirs…but sources indicate that she got priority because she was so "White and Delightsome" (source: Book of Mormon, pre 1979).

Baptism's fairly straightforward: dunk, wipe chlorine from eyes, and repeat 20-30 times until you run out of ancestor names that you previously dug up from some backwater City Hall in Polk County, Iowa. Endowments, though, is where things get really juicy (and fun!), especially if your idea of fun is "sitting with dozens of senior citizens while being lectured to by a cranky old geezer with prostate issues."

Here's a sampling of a couple of fun tidbits NOBAMA's mother was present for (in spirit). To assist you in setting the scene, just imagine her physical proxy (read: blonde ditz from BYU) dressed in a white gown, white veil, and a *smashing* green leafy apron:

"I, [NOBAMA's mama], covenant that I will never reveal the second token of the Aaronic priesthood, with its accompanying name, sign, and penalty. Rather than do so, I would suffer my life to be taken."

And who can forget this morsel thrown in halfway through the 90-minute session?

"All arise… Each of you bring your right arm to the square: You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the law of consecration as contained in this, the book of Doctrine and Covenants [temple attendant displays the book], in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion…

Each of you bow your head and say, "Yes." ...That will do."

Fun, huh! Want a Book of Mormon? Good... now bow your head and say "yes."

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