Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mormon Jesus Be Big Pimpin'

Big Pimpin

Book of Mark, Chapter 10, Verses 14-16

14. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the bitches n' hoes to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

15. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little bitch, she shall not enter therein.

16. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and bitch-slapped them.


Friends, our message is spreading across the land! Look at these amazing Jesus Blingees made by fellow soldiers in God's Army!

Best friends with Jesus!

Jesus surrounded by riches!

Jesus crying in the sky. Don't be sad, Jesus!

We love you, Jesus!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Lamb or Lion of God?

Friends of Blingee Jesus,

Have you ever noticed that sometimes Jesus looks like a lion?

We have.

We've also noticed that lambs are cute and tender, while lions are ferocious and intense. We prefer lions! They're so much like Jesus: Noble, righteous, African. So we at Blingee Jesus have decided that Jesus is no longer the Lamb of God; he's the Lion of God, and we need his ferocity now more than ever. You should now sing Agnus Dei as follows:

Lion of God,
You kill and maim the sins of the world,
Have mercy on us.

Lion of God,
You rip apart the sins of the world
With your teeth.